This is a guest post from my wonderful husband, Jeff Scherpelz
I am a stay-at-home dad (or a “full-time father”, as I like to call it), and I’m proud of it. This is not yet a common job, but it is becoming more culturally acceptable. Erika and I chose it mainly because it was a good fit for us and our desires; but now I want to encourage and promote more active involvement for fathers with their children, whether or not they stay home with them full-time.
We chose this setup because for us, it was a natural fit. We both wanted someone to stay at home with our child for a while. We were both willing to do it; but as the hope for a child became reality, it made the most sense for me to be the one to stay home. I’ve had a pretty fulfilling career so far; but I was feeling burned out with what I was doing, and ready for a change. In contrast, Erika is still heavily invested in her job, and has a strong desire to continue working. It also helps that she earns quite a bit more than I did, and has better benefits. She is better able to support us, and I was more interested in leaving my career (for a while).
Friends and family have been very supportive of our choice. I haven’t gotten a personal negative comment so far. However, societal norms and expectations are not always as supportive. They may not be overtly negative, but there is plenty of bias against men who don’t work. There is also the expectation that mothers are the ones who stay home. The idea of stay-at-home dads is gaining traction in our culture, though. Nearly everyone I talk to mentions that they have a friend or colleague where the father in the family stays home. The most interesting example of this recently is Max Schireson, the former CEO of MongoDB. He recently decided to quit his job to spend more time at home with his family. It is great that the CEO of a decent-sized company can make this choice, and generally get support for it. However, it is also telling that this case is so rare. Max also addresses this in his opening paragraph by noting that female CEOs are always asked how they can balance work and family life; while male CEOs never are. The role of father as the primary caretaker is still not encouraged or supported, even if it is accepted.
One of the classes I took shortly before Sylvia was born was called “Conscious Fathering”. It wasn’t about stay-at-home dads, but about being an involved and capable father. The biggest conceptual point made there was that fathers can do everything mothers can except for give birth and breastfeeding. While those are obviously important items, there are still a huge amount of other important tasks that fathers can do. Giving birth is a one-time event; and between pumping breast milk and formula, fathers can take care of their kids full-time right from birth. I’m certainly not advocating that mothers hand their babies over to their fathers and go back to work immediately. I think breastfeeding is a wonderful bonding experience, and mommy-baby time is very important. But the point is that fathers can be just as involved from the beginning of their child’s life.
Fathers also should be involved with their children. They often provide different interactions with children than mothers. An interesting survey that was mentioned in one our classes showed that when women think about interacting with a child (before they had one), they picture nurturing aspects such as feeding, cuddling, and soothing. But when asked the same thing, men pictured active aspects such as playing and teaching. This may be cultural, but how men and women are acting matters, since both kinds of interaction are important for children. Women are expected to provide the nurturing interactions; but we should also be encouraging men to be highly involved with their children so they can provide the more active interactions they seem inclined towards.
Personally, I want to provide as many of the appropriate interactions that I can with Sylvia. In order to do that, I listed out the main roles that I want to take, and what they involve.
My first role is as Caregiver. This is the most basic role, involving changing diapers, giving baths, feeding (via solid food and bottles), putting her to bed, getting her dressed, and comforting.
My second role is as Nurturer. This is the typical “mothering” role, involving things such as putting her to sleep, and comforting her when sad. When she’s a bit older, this also involves encouraging her to find things she likes, encourage her to try her best, and praising her effort. Ultimately I want to be a solid anchor for her when she needs emotional support.
My third role is as Playmate. This is encouraging her to explore and be active, involving playing games (from peek-a-boo to board games), playing with active and creative toys such as blocks or K’nex, to just running around.
My fourth role is as Instructor. This is teaching her skills and leading by example, involving basic activities such as making sounds and words for her to mimic, reading books, answering questions, and showing how to behave properly through my behavior.
My fifth role is as Protector. This involves protecting from physical harm, but also preventative care such as taking her to the doctor to make sure she is healthy. It also involves protecting her from unwanted attention or situations where she is unhappy or upset.
My final role is as Partner. This involves supporting Erika and being her equal. Sharing chores and tasks is important, but so is providing emotional support, along with a chance to rest as desired. This may not directly involve Sylvia, but a happy family and home environment is just as important as any of the other involvement.
My job as full-time father is just beginning. There is a lot to learn, and some cultural encouragements to overcome; but I am enjoying it so far, and looking forward to what comes next.