Originally published on April 26, 2019.
Why take time to try to really understand what someone is saying? It increases your credibility.
Let’s start by clarifying what I mean by really understanding what someone is saying. In my mind, the key property of such understanding is that when you summarize their statement, either explicitly or implicitly via the assumptions in your reply, the other person agrees that what you said matches what they said. An understanding summary reflects the content of a statement in a way that the original speaker considers accurate. It does not say what you think they “really” meant. And it means that when you’re unsure then you ask questions instead of making assumptions.
What about credibility? Why does understanding this way increase credibility? Let’s look at what happens when you don’t really understand what someone is saying. When that happens — especially when it happens repeatedly between the same pair of people — your lack of real understanding starts to make the other person question your assessment of behavior and information in general. “If,” they think, “this person gets it so wrong on these statements of mine, why should I believe that they are accurately representing anything?” By not listening, you are casting doubt on your basic ability to present reliable data.
In my experience the only way you can get someone to listen to your response is to first show you can listen to them. It’s far far from a guarantee. Still, a possibility is better than an impossibility.